Why did God let horrible things happen to me? Why did He abandon me?
These are questions that have come up from at least four different people recently, and the answer is sometimes vague and hard to come by. It struck me recently, that it isn't God who creates emotional suffering among people, but people. People treat children and each other so terribly, that we believe we are worthless, nothing, and undeserving of anything good. we think we deserve what we get. this feeling of worthlessness and shame leads us to feel unworthy of God, and we turn our back on Him. (Or Her, I use the male gender inclusively here, as it is in the original Bahai texts, which were written in a form of Persian where gender is neutral. Feel free to substitute your preferred word for God.)
The truth is, God is right there, as close as the fist on our hand. At any time we can turn back around, toward God, where He is waiting. A year ago, I asked God for a sign. I'd been a Bahai for half a year, and was beginning to feel God's presence in my daily life, I thought. But I wanted proof.
November 1, 2020. My grandson Desi was just born , hours old. I walked into my office, and in the corner of the window shone the most brilliant moon I have ever seen. And I mean in the corner of the window, my neighbor's house blocks the view except for one small triangle, and the moon shone there, like a brilliant eye. I felt overwhelmed, and shrank back, and the moon grew brighter, as though to say, "Yes, this is for you."
At that moment, I realized that I was the one making my life miserable, for believing that I deserved what I got as a child. I had constructed a false self to hide who I really was, because I thought that if anyone knew the real me, they could never even like me, let a lone love me. At that moment, I saw that God made me, He lives in me, I am part of His creation and therefore worthy of God's love. I began to see how terribly I spoke to myself, treated myself. It was time to turn things around.