I am only now developing my authentic self. Being authentic means not being resentful. I had to hide her and all feelings growing up. The built up stress of trauma affects all areas of my life. I now seek a higher level of consciousness, and I have experienced this in prayer.
"Most of what we do from childhood on is reacting to what happens to us."
Self awareness is my next step. It will trigger my self discovery process so I can be honest with myself and others. In recovery, I journey from my head to my heart, and it will take a long time to uncover and expose the many layers on the way.
I was misled in childhood to believe that I was less than human, unlovable. I accepted a lot that I wouldn't accept today. Our family behavior attempted to deny and conceal our poverty. We were not close in my family.
I don't have a remote prayer of finding my authentic self without getting sober. To become free, I will throw away what's holding me back. I'm not a victim anymore; I choose what I want and don't want. It's up to me. Not being a victim means not blaming anyone or anything for events in my life.My new level of awareness knows God loves me and wants me to speak the truth. I don't want to lose myself again.
I am becoming more of me, I am interested in lots of subjects, practice self care. Meditation helps me pause before I respond or react, and I gain awareness. when I feel - Oh, I don't like that, I don't want to do that or talk about it - that is called contempt before investigating. Self awareness leads to contentment. I accept that it won't be easy and I need to stay vigilant.